My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Dear god my vagina.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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