so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
