I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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