I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Randomize
