You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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