im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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