Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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