I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
