Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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