Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
