the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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