i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
