I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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