How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
