Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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