I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
