What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm at about main and main street
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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