Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
