Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
