If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
