Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
