the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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