dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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