You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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