I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
