I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
