all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
