I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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