I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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