she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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