Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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