well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
