Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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