I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
