drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
