please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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