His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
