plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
