I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He kissed a someone with a penis
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
