It's Friday. Sex?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
