giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
