I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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