Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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