im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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