I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
