Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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