Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
