Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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