I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
