I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
