I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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