hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize