i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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