in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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