we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
