My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
