god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
